If you really like holding hands and saying "I love you" but your partner doesn't, your relationship is still probably better off than if both of you had modest interest in expressing affection.
Just in time for Valentine's Day, scientists have published a new study that suggests a romantic relationship's total amount of affectionate communication is a much stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction, trust and intimacy than whether each partner communicates at a similar level.
The findings, published in Communication Studies, offer a counterpoint to the commonly held belief - and academically verified theory - that people are attracted to those with similar traits.
"The study does not discount the importance of similarity in many aspects of romantic relationships but instead highlights once again the specific importance of affectionate communication to the success and development of those relationships," said study co-author Colin Hesse, director of the School of Communication in the Oregon State University College of Liberal Arts. "Few communication behaviors are more important for the development, maintenance and quality of romantic bonds than the expression of affection."
Hesse and collaborators at Washington State University and Sam Houston State University examined a diverse collection of 141 heterosexual couples in the United States. The people in the study represented a range of geographic areas, ethnic groups, socioeconomic statuses and ages.
Affectionate communication is defined as the intentional and overt enactment or expression of feelings of closeness, care and fondness for another person and is often divided into three categories: verbal, nonverbal and indirect/supportive. For example, if your morning routine includes kissing your partner, expressing your love and making sure lunch is packed for work, you're hitting all three.
The main question the research sought to answer was whether romantic couples were best served by being similar in their levels of affectionate communication - be it high, low or in between - or by simply having a higher total amount of it.
"Generally speaking, affectionate communication is beneficial both for the partner who gives it and the partner receiving it," Hesse said. "It makes for better trust, intimacy, passion and overall relational satisfaction. And we found strong evidence that it is far better for couples, both males and females, to have generally higher levels of affectionate communication than to have generally similar levels of affectionate communication."
The findings are an exception to the concept of assortative mating - people's tendency to choose mates of similar ethnicity, height, age, religion, etc.
"Research has demonstrated that similarity in partners' characteristics is positively associated with relationship satisfaction," Hesse said. "But similarities in affectionate communication don't necessarily contribute to that satisfaction.
"We would not prescribe specific affectionate behaviors but would in general counsel people to engage in affectionate communication. It's essential for both individual and relational wellness - basically, showing someone you care about them actually helps you both in terms of alleviating stress and feeling happier and healthier."
Kory Floyd of Washington State and Lisa van Raalte of Sam Houston State collaborated with Hesse on the study, which was supported financially by Sam Houston State's Department of Communication Studies and the University of Arizona's Department of Communication.
