No one is prepared to lose a child.
Ruby Robinson recalls completing her first trimester and feeling excited about the promise of being a parent. She began sharing the happy news with friends and family. She was going to have a girl.
But at 16 weeks gestation, something seemed off. First there was spotting, then contractions. She went to the emergency room, where she went into labor and delivered. It was a nonviable pregnancy.
Robinson was understandably devastated.
She turned to a UC Davis Health support group that helped her cope during such a difficult period. HALO (Healing After the Loss of a Child) is a safe space that meets weekly online to help people like Robinson work through their anger and grief with others in a similar situation.
"It's still such a taboo subject so you feel so alone," Robinson said. "When you lose a child through miscarriage, you've lost the chance to know them. You've lost the chance to raise them, and you have no memories to rely on. It's a different kind of grief."
HALO was started in 2021 by UC Davis perinatal psychiatrist Shannon Clark.
"We wanted to provide a safe, compassionate community to help our patients with the heartbreak and loneliness that are often the hallmarks of miscarriage and infant loss," Clark said. "Through peer support and clinician-led care, we help parents grieve openly, manage guilt and trauma, and, when desired, prepare emotionally and medically for a future pregnancy."
Patients can attend for as long as they need. Healthcare providers are encouraged to refer anyone affected by pregnancy or infant loss. Patients can also self-refer into the group.
Memorializing her loss
Michelle Jaromay's first miscarriage in October of 2021 was the worst moment of her life.
She was looking forward to a gender-reveal party at a scenic bridge on the preserve behind her house in Elk Grove.
Instead, she memorialized her child with a bench just a short distance away.
"No one knows how to talk to someone who has had a miscarriage," Jaromay said.
She found HALO through Clark, who was on her maternal-fetal health team during pregnancy. "HALO gave me the support that I didn't get with my family or friends. The group was a healing environment."
We wanted to provide a safe, compassionate community to help our patients with the heartbreak and loneliness that are often the hallmarks of miscarriage and infant loss."-Shannon Clark
Jaromy experienced profound benefits from HALO and from the bench memorialized with a metal plaque in Ariel's honor. The wooden bench is located along a walking path that overlooks a lake.
"Had I not had my first loss, I wouldn't know so much of this silence that I felt inside. What do families do?" she remembers wondering. "For me, the memorial bench provided healing and a space that was important to me. I could go there and talk to Ariel, breathe in the fresh air, and it was calming."
In the days and weeks after the miscarriage, she received messages and calls from friends who shared their own experiences with miscarriages.
She remembers lighting her first candle in memory of Ariel and then lighting candles for every mother who she knew had suffered a loss.
Honoring the memory of loved ones
On the first anniversary of her miscarriage in October 2022, Jaromay partnered with Clark to host a remembrance gathering to honor babies lost through miscarriage or infancy.
They called the event ARIEL HALO, and it's been held each year ever since. October is not only the month of Jaromay's miscarriage — it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
At this year's upcoming remembrance Oct. 18, a harpist will play requested songs in memory of beloved children, followed by a memorial butterfly release. Clark will offer reflections and parents will be given the opportunity to speak their children's names and share their stories.
The gathering takes place near Ariel's bench.
Over the years, Jaromay has found solace and peace in inviting the community to grieve and honor those they have lost. She has hugged the newfound friends she has made through HALO, including Robinson, who attends each year. Jaromay has also met strangers who have made their way to the remembrance from across the greater Sacramento region, bringing photos or an item to remember the baby that they lost.
"It has been beautiful to see people find community in this event," Jaromay said. "Here they know they are not alone."
