About a decade ago, author Mandy Len Catron wrote an essay for the New York Times about "36 questions that lead to love". The idea suggests that two people can grow closer - and even fall in love - by answering a series of increasingly intimate questions.
Author
- Viren Swami
Professor of Social Psychology, Anglia Ruskin University
Catron described how in 2014 she and an acquaintance went on a date together. During the evening, they took turns asking and answering 36 questions. Before that meeting the pair both admitted to a slight mutual attraction, but the exercise changed this fairly dramatically.
Within weeks they had developed strong feelings for each other. The following year they moved in together, had children in 2021 and in 2025, more than a decade after their first date, they got married - and the 36 questions were included in a bowl at the reception bar.
The idea behind the 36 questions is simple enough - that by answering a series of intimate questions, two people become vulnerable and develop a close connection. But can the 36 questions really cause two people to fall in love?
In the 1990s, US psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues developed a sharing game that could be used to develop feelings of closeness between strangers. They wanted to provide researchers with a fast track to developing closeness in the lab, for studies involving participants who didn't know each other.
The task is simple. Two strangers sit across from each other and take turns asking and answering 36 questions arranged in three sets. The task takes about 45 minutes to complete, with the questions becoming increasingly intimate and personal.
One question from the first set asks the strangers to describe their perfect day, while a question from the final set asks them to describe whose death they would find most disturbing.
Why does it work?
The main mechanism that helps build closeness in the 36 questions is reciprocal self-disclosure . This is when sharing intimate information about oneself prompts the other person to share similarly intimate information about themselves.
Reciprocal self-disclosure is an important part of relationship development. When people engage in reciprocal self-disclosure, they signal to each other that they're willing to be responsive and share their vulnerabilities. In turn, this process helps to build mutual trust and liking, leading to greater feelings of closeness and intimacy.
Imagine that, over the course a conversation, I share with you that I've been struggling with my mental health. In sharing this information, you infer that I trust you and that I want to have an authentic, honest and meaningful relationship with you. This, in turn, might encourage you to share something intimate about your own mental health, which encourages deeper trust and connection between us.
What about romantic love?
But can the 36 questions really cause people to fall in love? In the original study, Aron and his co-researchers suggested that the 36 questions - sometimes called the "fast friends procedure" - could create real feelings of "interpersonal closeness" between strangers.
To test this , they randomly assigned strangers to take part in the fast friends procedure or to a small-talk exercise, which also included 36 questions but that did not increase in intensity over the sets. In a series of studies, Aron and his fellow researchers found that participants who'd completed the fast friends task felt closer to each other than those who had engaged in small talk.
A 2021 study found that participants engaging in the fast friends task not only felt closer than those who engaged in small talk, but also felt greater liking for their partners, believed their partners were more responsive, enjoyed the interaction more and had more fun.
However, Aron and his co-researchers also cautioned that the fast friends procedure does not produce feelings of loyalty, dependence or commitment between strangers - key ingredients for love. The procedure also does necessarily produce respect for the other person, which takes time to develop, nor does it produce feelings of passion, romance and physical and sexual attraction.
Although the fast friends procedure might not cause strangers to fall in love, it could help existing couples maintain their feelings for each other .
In studies where existing couples take part in the procedure with other couples they haven't met before, the participants later report greater closeness to the couples they interacted with. But they also report greater closeness to and passionate love for their own partners.
The procedure could actually help foster loving relationships of all kinds. One group of researchers adapted the 36 questions to make them suitable for children aged eight to 13 and their parents. When the researchers asked parents and their children to take turns asking and answering the question, the children seemed to end the task feeling more loved.
The fast friends procedure also shows promise in developing closeness outside the lab and in different circumstances. In educational settings such as schools and universities, the task seems to be both an effective ice-breaker and a way to promote closeness and friendship formation . There's even some evidence that tasks that promote closeness could increase productivity and creativity among team members working together.
The fast friends procedure could also be used to reduce prejudice and stigmatising views. In a 2015 study , heterosexual people took part in the fast friends task with a stranger who revealed they were gay or a lesbian.
These heterosexual participants reported stronger feelings of closeness and lower sexual prejudice at the end of the task compared to the start. Other studies have suggested that the procedure could also reduce racial prejudice and ageism .
So don't let romantic couples usurp the 36 questions. If you're spending Valentine's day with friends, it could be a great way to deepen your bond.
Viren Swami does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
