When we talk about "ghosting", we usually think it relates to dating. But what happens when you've been ghosted by someone you've known for years - your childhood best friend, a parent, a child ?
Author
- Megan Willis
Associate Professor, School of Behavioural and Health Sciences, Australian Catholic University
These disappearances can be harder to explain, and even harder to heal from.
It's also surprisingly common. For instance, one study showed 38.6% of people have been ghosted by a friend.
So why do people ghost those closest to them? What impact does it have on those left behind? How do you begin to move on?
What is ghosting?
Ghosting is when someone abruptly, or gradually, cuts off all communication without explanation. Whether it's a friend, family member or love interest, the signs are much the same - messages left on read or calls ignored. Sometimes you're blocked.
Ghosting doesn't just happen online. It can also play out in person , when someone deliberately ignores you - avoiding eye contact, refusing attempts to engage in conversation, pretending you're not there.
Unlike relationships that gradually wither over time, or end abruptly after an argument, ghosting is a one-sided withdrawal from a relationship that happens without closure.
For the person left behind, it can feel like grief.
Why do people ghost family and friends?
People often ghost friends for the same reasons they ghost romantic partners.
Ghosting is more common - and considered more acceptable - in brief or casual romantic relationships or friendships. That's when people may ghost because they lose interest, wish to avoid confrontation, or find it easier than facing the discomfort of ending things directly.
In longer-term relationships, ghosting may stem from incompatibility, be prompted by different priorities, physical distance, or growing apart over time.
Major life transitions - such as becoming a parent, entering the workforce, moving, or going through a divorce - can often provide the catalyst for someone to shrink their social network.
In some cases, ghosting is driven by self-preservation or concerns for personal safety, particularly when ghosting involves family members.
People report ghosting in response to toxic, emotionally draining, or abusive relationships, often when previous attempts to resolve issues were met with abuse or aggression. In such instances, ghosting isn't so much an avoidance strategy, but a last resort to preserve someone's safety and psychological wellbeing.
Ghosting has also been linked to certain personality traits. One study found people who reported ghosting others tended to score higher in narcissism (tend towards entitlement and lack of empathy) and borderline traits (so have trouble regulating emotions and are impulsive).
Why does it hurt so much?
People often ghost as they hope to spare the other person the pain of rejection . But that is rarely the case.
Being ghosted by someone you've been close to for a long time is often associated with grief , much like the death of the loved one. After the initial shock, there is often anger and sadness.
Ghosting also involves " ambiguous loss ". This ambiguity - the uncertainty and lack of closure - can almost freeze the grief process, making it particularly hard to move on.
In addition to grief-like emotions, ghosting is also often associated with self-blame, rumination, feelings of worthlessness , and trust issues that can affect how someone relates to others in the future.
How to cope if you've been ghosted
There's no easy fix and you can't force someone to communicate with you if they don't want to. But research points to some strategies that may help you move on and ease the pain:
Acknowledge your feelings. Grief-like emotions are a normal reaction to being ghosted. Accept your emotions and express them in healthy ways. This is better than suppressing them , which is linked to depression, low self-esteem and reduced wellbeing.
Seek social support. Social support is linked to a range of mental health benefits. Talk about your experience with friends, family or a mental health professional. This can help reduce feeling of isolation, and low self-worth. Greater social support is also associated with post-traumatic growth - positive psychological change that can emerge after a challenging life event.
Choose self-compassion over rumination. It's easy to get caught in the trap of replaying what happened and wondering what went wrong. But this can prolong distress and make it harder to move on. Instead treat yourself as you would a close friend - with kindness, compassion and care. Self-compassion has been linked to reduced rumination, anxiety and depression. Exercise , mindfulness and spending time in nature are examples of self-care with similar psychological benefits.
Create your own closure. Being ghosted can often leave you stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and unanswered questions. You may never get an explanation and waiting for answers will only make it harder to move on. Writing a letter you don't send can help create closure. This form of expressive writing can help you articulate your thoughts and emotions and make sense of your experience - and is linked to a range of psychological benefits.
Megan Willis does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
