Open letter about reporting sexual violence from survivor

The following is a first-hand account from Avery.

Avery has bravely shared her experience reporting and seeking support following acts of sexual violence committed against herself and her family in the hope that it may provide clarity and courage to those who have experienced sexual assault themselves.

Trigger Warning // sexual violence

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, it is not your fault and you are not alone. There are different reporting and support options available depending on your situation.

When an act of sexual violence happened to me as I slept what I thought was safely in my best friend's home, my body's reaction was to freeze.

I felt trapped and powerless.

Unable to scream, I wrapped myself in blankets and cried silently, my whole body shaking uncontrollably. I ran away the next day and tried to push the experience out of my mind although I was haunted by the memories in flashbacks and nightmares.

My life changed irrevocably that night and I carried the burden of what this once trusted friend had done to me as if it was mine. I didn't speak to anyone about what occurred.

I avoided my friend because I didn't want to see her husband, the man who chose to sneak into my room and perpetrate this act of violence against me.

Over time, I managed to convince myself that what happened that night was a dream and wasn't something that would ever happen to me again. I told myself there was no good that could come from telling anyone - because if it stayed in my head then it didn't really happen anyway.

I buried that experience as far away as I could where I thought it would never escape.

I began going back to visit my friend at her house and found a way to pretend that I didn't feel sick to the stomach every time I saw her husband. I took my children with me and we all slept together in one room when we stayed there as I thought we would be safe together and that he would only be able to hurt me at night while I slept.

It wasn't until years later, late one Monday afternoon when a mutual friend called me and asked me if I had ever heard of anything strange with this man that I finally spoke up about what had happened to me.

She shared with me her own experience with a sexual assault he had recently perpetrated against her and we discussed the need to address what seemed to be a pattern of sexual violence against women by this man. Her ex-partner was a counsellor who had given her the advice to speak to 1800RESPECT and she said she was going to call them and find out what to do and I agreed that I too would do the same.

I did not know my 10-year-old daughter was listening to me speak to my friend.

When I got off the phone, she told me about her own trauma with the same man that had occurred a few days previously.

"I want to go to the police and I want to make sure he never hurts anyone else again," she said to me.

I told my daughter that I believed her and I would help her to find the people she needed to be able to get through this trauma and that I thought that the police were the right people to tell, I just didn't know how to do it yet.

I called 1800RESPECT and the person who answered my call at around 6pm that night clearly explained to me what the process was for reporting my daughter's abuse and connected me to a trauma counsellor who called me back within three hours.

Well into the early hours of that Tuesday morning, I received acute trauma counselling while my beautiful little girl slept peacefully with my three other children. Together, we worked out a plan for the next day which included taking my daughter to the local police station to file a report for her and also one for me.

We were also connected to Gold Coast Centre Against Sexual Violence (GCCASV) where we immediately began specialised sexual violence counselling.

That sunny Tuesday afternoon, we went to the police station and we again told our story.

The lady we spoke to from the QPS was professional, polite and compassionate when we told her what had occurred. She carefully took down our report and then explained the process going forward.

She told us that we would be assigned to the Child Protection Unit (CPIU) for further investigation of our cases and a senior detective would be in touch as soon as possible.

During the time it took for our case to be allocated to a member of the CPIU, we spoke with GCCASV and my three other children also received trauma counselling at which time, my eldest daughter also divulged she had been sexually abused by this man.

I notified the QPS via the number I had been given and our case was escalated through the system at CPIU.

It seemed like an eternity between when my friend called me that Monday afternoon and my two daughters and I arriving at the CPIU building to give our statements, but it was actually only 13 days.

The CPIU team were extremely professional and were highly trained.

They guided my daughters and I through an extremely difficult process with dignity and respect.

I wish I could tell you that it was smooth sailing from that moment on, but the process of recovery from the trauma of sexual violence is not an easy one.

What I will say is that my daughters and I have received substantial support and worked very hard on our psychological and physical healing which made a difficult process a great deal easier.

This is not a path you can walk alone. It takes a team of care providers and professionals.

The hardest step for me was unburdening myself of the secrets that I tried to bury.

My little girl showed me that the sooner you speak up, the sooner the healing from the trauma can begin, that by reporting to QPS and receiving the necessary support from trained sexual violence counsellors, we were beginning to transition from victims to survivors and on a path to healing.

We experienced many challenges through the justice system and while it was a long and difficult process, the QPS and the Director of Public Prosecutions were absolutely steadfast in their professionalism and ensuring that every aspect of our case was handled with care and attention to every detail.

Seven years later, we are very different people now than who we were before the sexual violence.

We no longer carry the burden of secrets and speak up when something is wrong.

We are not victims of sexual violence; we are survivors and we are empowered and free of any burdens.

We know that by telling our story about what happened to us, we can help others find the way forward through their own traumas, towards healing.

By speaking our truth to the right people, who are meticulously trained to receive it, we freed ourselves from the burdens and broke the conditioning that has kept us silent for so long.

By speaking up against him, and working through the court process, he was made to be accountable for his actions against my family and I and he faced the full force of the court.

We hope that in doing so, he can never hurt another woman or child again.

I encourage anyone who has experienced sexual violence and has not yet found the way through recovery from this trauma to healing, to consider reporting it to police in a confidential and safe way to unburden yourself from the secret that you try to bury away.

It helped my daughters and I to recover and I believe that it can help you too.

Your report to the QPS does not have to progress through the court system like ours did and the perpetrator never needs to know that you have told anyone.

There is no statute of limitations on the reporting of sexual violence and you can confidentially share your story with a member of the QPS in a safe and supported environment at any time - the next day, a year later or 20 years later.

There is a cathartic healing that comes from handing your story to a trained professional and together, with the support of organisations such as QPS, 1800RESPECT and GCCASV, you too can begin the path to healing from sexual violence like my daughters and I have.

The more people who come forward and break the patterns of silence and fear, the greater power we have to stop sexual violence once and for all.

– Avery McCaelan

*To protect the identity of Avery and her family, her name has been changed for the purposes of this article.

We can all take simple steps to raise the standards and send the message that sexual assault and violence will not be tolerated.

If someone comes to you to talk about a sexual assault they have experienced, your response to what they say makes a difference.

• Remind them that it's not their fault
• Be supportive and allow them to share as little or as much as they like
• Ask them how you can help them.

For more information visit: https://www.startbybelieving.org/what-to-say/