Rutgers expert shares guidance on navigating difficult conversation during the holidays
Thanksgiving is here - and the winter holidays aren't far behind - bringing the annual traditions of turkey, travel, and tricky conversations.
Along with the food, festivities and family traditions come those cringeworthy moments: nosy questions, unsolicited comments and conversations you rather avoid. Holiday gatherings can test even the strongest communicators.
Maria Venetis, a professor at Rutgers School of Communication and Information, is an expert on how we talk, listen and support one another under stress. She offers insights to help you approach this year's festivities with confidence, stay calm, and use a few go-to strategies for handling awkward moments.
Many people dread holiday gatherings for reasons that involve communicating with others, especially during awkward social interactions at work parties or family bickering. How can people sharpen their communication skills so they are prepared?
We can likely anticipate points of contention or disagreement in advance of gatherings. If the topic creates dread and tension, carefully consider strategies that will make the gathering more manageable for you. Maybe avoid the topic or the specific individual or make a joke to change the topic or direction of the conversation. You can prepare a few talking points to help navigate the conversation away from the problematic topic. Also, it is OK to tell others that you prefer not to talk about the topic.
In the current contentious political climate, how can hosts and guests best handle comments made during holiday events to avoid creating conflict?
Although the adage suggests that we shouldn't talk about politics or religion at the dinner table, the politicized nature of current events makes it challenging to avoid such topics. A civil conversation about differing opinions can be entertaining dinner conversation. However, should the conversation escalate and become contentious, you may benefit from focusing on what people have in common. To de-escalate a conversation, you could use a light-hearted tone and say something like, "I think we can all agree that we wish things were different and better."
How can people improve their listening skills?
An approach to improving listening skills starts with intentionality. One has to decide that they will mindfully listen to another and try to hear them out before deciding what they will say next. Often individuals focus on their own response, and preparing your response while a person is talking impedes the ability to focus on the other person's message.
Sometimes people become stressed while being questioned by colleagues or family members about their jobs, hobbies, exercise regimen, or clothes. How can people communicate with less defensiveness and more empathy?
Individuals may become defensive when answering these questions if they are uncertain about the motivation for the questions. If you find that you are asking someone a handful of questions about their hobbies or behaviors, communicate why you are asking. If you are simply interested and curious, let them know. If you are looking to change your career or start a new hobby, share that information when you ask questions. You don't want your friend to feel as if they are on the witness stand; rather you want them to understand that you are genuinely curious and interested.
As an expert on communication and health, how can people best respond if a friend, relative or co-worker shares they have developed a serious illness during the past year?
You can express your concern for them and that you're sorry to hear this news. If you get the impression that it is hard for them to share this information, you can thank them for trusting you with this news.
To offer a supportive response to their health disclosure, you will want to acknowledge the information, validate their feelings and demonstrate that you are listening. If it is appropriate to your relationship, you can reiterate that you are there for them.
It is not recommended that you tell them that you know how they are feeling. Rather, ask them how they are doing. If you want to be helpful to them, you can also suggest ways that you may offer support such as bringing them dinner or aiding with a task. Don't ask them to let you know how you can help. Although this is well-meaning, such statements ultimately puts the labor on them to tell you how to be supportive.
How can hosts best communicate their expectations around gift giving, cooking, punctuality, mobile devices at the table, dress code, holiday traditions or other issues ahead of time so guests avoid inadvertently disappointing their hosts?
If hosts have expectations, they should be direct when communicating with their guests. Being direct doesn't mean that you can't be polite. Hosts can verbally tell their guests when to arrive, what they can bring, or other guidelines, but if there are more than one or two pointers, consider writing an email or text so that guests can easily go back to the message. When sending directives, be light-hearted in tone and remind your guests that you look forward to hosting them.
