Sensitive topics can quickly become sore points for a couple: think housework, parenting, money, and in-laws.
Disagreements are seemingly inevitable, especially between people who share their daily lives and future plans. The question is how to defuse such potentially heated discussions before they escalate. How can we discuss difficult issues constructively?
Floris van Vugt, a professor in the Department of Psychology at Université de Montréal, has some ideas, although couples are not his field: he specializes in interpersonal communication and is interested in how people can hold a constructive dialogue when they disagree.
Finding common ground
When grappling with opposing ideas, a good first step is to clarify the goal of the conversation, he advises. "Sometimes, you want to convince the other person that you're right, but is that what really matters? It is possible to live together and have different opinions."
Van Vugt thinks it can be more productive to keep an open mind than to try to win the argument: try to understand the other person, clarify why the topic is important to them, and consider their perspective, background and experiences.
"Sometimes, the opinions people express don't necessarily reflect their core values and you may find that you're on the same wavelength when it comes to your underlying beliefs," he explained.
"Don't get too distracted by what's on the surface. You have to dig deeper to understand the intrinsic motivations."
Active listening pays off
So it's important to stop and consider the big picture: you may find that you agree more than you disagree. This is where empathetic listening comes in.
"You can't only be thinking of your comeback, your next argument, of collecting more ammunition," Van Vugt said. "You might take some time before responding so you don't get stuck in your own patterns and assumptions."
For effective deep listening, he recommends checking your understanding with the other person while leaving the door open for them to make corrections, add nuance and clear up any ambiguities.
"Our society glorifies good speakers, people who know how to grab your attention," van Vugt said. "We tend to undervalue those who listen and who are able to understand people with different points of view."
Communication as a field of study
In his research, van Vugt looks for innovative ways of conversing, especially when the speakers disagree. He is specifically interested in the Bohm Dialogue, a communication model designed to prompt people to examine their own convictions, ideas and prejudices.
"This approach makes us think about how we arrived at the conclusions we hold to be true," he said. "It's a time-consuming process that should lead to a better understanding of yourself and other people and, ultimately, help us overcome polarizing exchanges."
While the late theoretical physicist David Bohm developed this approach in the 1990s, it has yet to be tested empirically. Van Vugt is tackling the challenge: he wants to determine the real value of the Bohm Dialogue through a randomized controlled trial.
