Should we do couples counselling? Are we happy? Are we both pulling in the same direction? How can we get our spark back?
Author
- Priscilla Dunk-West
Professor of Social Work, Victoria University
These kinds of questions are normal in a society that places such importance on coupledom, despite there being no handbook or one-size-fits all approach.
Many people seek out couples counselling when going through a rough patch, or wondering how to improve their relationship. And no doubt the hit show Couples Therapy has boosted public interest in this type of counselling.
So, how do you decide if it's right for you - and what should you expect?
Should we get couples counselling?
Relationship satisfaction changes over time. Research shows even knowing this can help couples navigate the usual ups and downs of life together.
Some research also shows couples therapy can help lower relationship distress (which might include things such as frequent arguments or feeling dissatisfied in your relationship).
It may be suitable for some couples who want to work through infidelity or stressors such as caregiving responsibilities.
Others may seek out preventative couples counselling , which is focused on finding ways to improve communications before your relationship reaches crisis point.
Does it work? Well, some research has found certain types of counselling did help cut the divorce rate among newlyweds - but so too did getting couples to simply watch romance movies together and discuss the themes with their partner.
Overall, much depends on your motivation for seeking counselling and the mindset you're bringing to it. Ask yourself: what do I want to work on, and what do I hope to achieve?
If your goal is to get someone to "take your side", counselling may not help. A good couples counsellor should remain neutral , and they're not there to take sides.
Many who seek couples counselling do so because they're arguing and disagreeing a lot with their partner. If that's you, it might help to let go of notions about who is "right" and move beyond anger. Instead, the focus in counselling may be on finding new conflict resolution skills .
Counselling may help with:
improving communication skills
making better connections with each other
exploring the couples' hopes for the future
identifying what's blocking them from achieving these goals.
Couples counselling isn't always about staying together. Some use it to explore how to separate in a way that centres the needs of children .
Others may have specific issues with intimacy or sex. In that case, a sexual health counsellor or sex therapist may be more suitable than a standard couples counsellor. You can find one via professional organisations .
With a sex therapist, you and your partner might talk about things such as:
mismatched libidos
bodily changes, for example, to do with ageing
expectations around sex
communication around sex
making adjustments to the way you interact to resolve these issues.
Importantly, though, not everyone needs therapy , or would benefit from it.
It's no silver bullet.
Not for everyone
The problems or harms in some relationships will not be resolved through talking therapy. The most obvious is where violence and/or coercive control is used: safety planning, not couples counselling, is more appropriate.
And it's important to remember the problems that lead people to conflict or counselling sometimes have structural causes that can't be "fixed" by a few therapy sessions. For instance, perhaps your relationship is suffering because you're experiencing stress at work, financial pressures , or you're supporting a partner with depression . These are complex structural issues.
It's also unclear how long the benefits of couples counselling last. One study noted "many distressed couples benefit during relationship education courses but that these benefits decline when the program ends."
How do people choose a counsellor?
There's a wide range of therapeutic techniques.
One famous approach is called the Gottman method , where couples focus on things such as creating " love maps " recording what you know about your partner, nurturing fondness, turning toward each other instead of away and solving problems. Famously, the Gottman approach also identifies the " four horsemen " of a relationship apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Other couples counsellors will take more of a psychological or psychoanalytical approach, informed by techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy.
Relationships Australia provides a range of services including relationship counselling.
At the end of the day what matters most is that you and your couples counsellor "click"; if you don't gel with yours, it's OK to find a new one.
Love is about doing
It can be helpful to use American author bell hooks' idea of love as a practice of "doing" rather than a passive "being". In other words, love is about doing things (for each other, together, or for yourself to fuel your relationship) rather than just about "being in love".
Couples in long-term, contented relationships engage in day-to-day love practices , such as making a coffee for your partner, or watching a show together.
So, consider snuggling up on the couch with your partner to watch something together. Perhaps even Couples Therapy can provide a healthy prompt to reflect on and appreciate one another in a new light.
Priscilla Dunk-West has received funding from The Channel 7 Children's Research Foundation and the Victorian Department of Health for research projects not related to this article.
