The extra pressure that comes with the winter holidays, such as traveling, hosting and gift-giving, can make the holiday season feel overwhelming, whether you're celebrating at home or visiting out-of-town relatives.
OregonNews asked two counseling psychology experts at the University of Oregon to address common struggles people face this time of year and offer suggestions for navigating holiday stress.
Dealing with family dynamics
Cindy Huang, an associate professor at the Department of Counseling Psychology and Human Services in the UO's College of Education:
One of the biggest challenges of the holiday season is figuring out how to celebrate with all the people you care about, and with the traditions that matter to you and your family, without burning yourself out in the process.
For many, holiday celebrations were easier a few decades ago, when most extended family members lived in the same city or nearby, allowing families to maintain and pass on traditions from one generation to the next. Today, many families are trying to stay connected with relatives who are scattered across the country, or even the world.
For parents whose extended family members are nearby, the pressure to celebrate with everyone poses a different kind of challenge. Who comes over when, and what to do with whom, are all questions that add to the modern parent's mental load.
And for immigrant families in the U.S., finding ways to maintain cultural traditions in the holiday season may feel even harder, particularly when they also may have a desire to adopt new traditions.
Balancing these demands, along with the extended family relationships and dynamics (aka family drama) that are inherently part of these demands, can quickly lead to stress and burnout.
Here are three ways to balance the demands of the holiday season with as little stress as possible:
1. Plan Ahead
The best way to manage challenges is to prevent them. Consider the schedules of your immediate family - for example, your partner and your children - and determine your plans for the upcoming holiday. This can be done months in advance, or even over a year in advance.
Consider these questions while planning:
- Where: Where do you want to be, and where do you have to be, this upcoming holiday season?
- When: If you're hosting, when should guests start arriving? If you're traveling, when will you arrive and when will you leave?
- Who: Which extended family members will you spend time with? For instance, if you recently welcomed a new baby to your family, it may not be a good time for you to travel to your aunt's home for the holidays, even if that has been a longstanding tradition. You may opt instead to host a dinner this year for a smaller group of your family and to make it a potluck.
2. Set clear expectations
Having plans in advance allows you to set clear expectations, for yourself and with your extended family members. When you have clear plans, you can communicate more effectively - clearly, concisely, with a rationale. Providing your rationale ensures you are communicating with respect and not leaving family members wondering why you are not participating in a tradition this year.
3. Develop your own family traditions
Families also may create memorable holiday traditions of their own, outside of those in the extended family. These can be small things, like watching certain movies that you and your family enjoy. Or they can be larger traditions, like an annual holiday trip for just your immediate family or a holiday celebration with friends, without the pressures of family. You can even integrate new traditions into the ones you had growing up. Changing traditions may be especially challenging for families who are living away from their families of origin. By creating new ways to celebrate with your family, you can integrate new and old traditions for a joyful holiday.
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"When you have clear plans you can communicate more effectively - clearly, concisely, with a rationale. Providing your rationale ensures you are communicating with respect and not leaving family members wondering why you are not participating in a tradition this year."
Cindy Huang
Associate professor of Counseling Psychology and Human Services, UO College of Education
When regular routines are upside-down
Anne Marie Mauricio, a licensed psychologist and associate research professor at the Prevention Science Institute within the UO's College of Education:
While the holiday season can bring lots of joy, it also can disrupt routines that families rely on when school is in session and parents are working.
Family daily and weekly routines support regular sleep, mealtimes, exercise and opportunities for connection, creating a sense of safety and control that can lower stress and promote positive mental health.
Planning ahead for the anticipated changes in structure and routines that come with the holiday season can help families feel more in control and grounded, reducing the stress and anxiety that often accompany these changes.
Here are three strategies to help families prepare for the holiday season's unpredictability:
1. Maintain at least one consistent daily routine
Maintaining even one routine, such as nighttime wind-down time, can help everyone in the family maintain the rhythm, stability and emotional connection that helps family members, but especially children, feel safe and in control when predictable schedules change. This sense of safety and control can reduce stress hormones, helping everyone better manage their emotions when holiday stress does show up.
2. Pay attention to your thinking
The unpredictability that accompanies changes in schedules and routines can bring anxiety, and anxiety can trigger unhelpful thoughts that further fuel anxiety. For example, a parent might think, "This lack of structure can't be good for my child; I am being a bad parent." Unhelpful thoughts such as this are called cognitive distortions because they are fueled by stress rather than based in reality. When unhelpful thoughts occur, parents can notice them without judgment and replace them with helpful thoughts. For example, in this scenario, after noticing their unhelpful thought, a parent might think, "Our routines are off this week because it is the holidays; we'll get back on track when we go back to school and work. Besides, managing flexibility is a good skill for my child to learn."
3. Be intentional about self-care
Practicing self-care is especially important during the holidays, when stress can be high due to holiday-related demands. Self-care can be simple, such as taking a time-out in a quiet space to take some deep breaths or taking a walk after dinner. Pairing self-care with self-compassion also can be helpful. You can practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that it's normal to feel stressed and that perfection is not expected. Self-care coupled with self-compassion will help parents feel better prepared to respond calmly to challenges that may arise from unexpected routines, making the holiday season more manageable and enjoyable for the whole family.
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"You can practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that it's normal to feel stressed and that perfection is not expected."
Anne Marie Mauricio
Associate research professor, Prevention Science Institute, UO College of Education
More recommended resources :
- NPR's Life Kit has a helpful guide for families who may want to start new traditions for their holidays.
- Another NPR Life Kit episode offers tips on how to effectively set boundaries with families.
- AARP offers suggestions on navigating family changes over time and how those may affect holiday celebrations and traditions.
- The American Psychological Association offers evidence-based strategies to help parents manage stress in general and during the holiday season.
- The Mayo Clinic offers information to help parents understand why stress happens, why it can be positive, when it becomes too much and how to manage it.
- Smiling Mind is a free app designed for children, teens and adults and includes guided meditations, learning modules and activities aimed at reducing stress, improving focus and supporting general mental well-being. You can access Smiling Mind on your computer or download it for use on your phone.
