When someone we care about is grieving the loss of a loved one, our natural instinct is to ease their pain. But when words feel clumsy and gestures fall short, it can be hard to know how to help.
Author
- Lucy Poxon
Senior Lecturer in Counselling Psychology, Department of Social Work Counselling & Social Care , School of Childhood and Social Care, University of East London
Drawing on both my research as a counselling psychologist and 18 years of supporting bereaved clients in therapy, I've identified five compassionate, research-backed ways to walk alongside someone who is mourning.
Whether you're a close friend, family member, or caring colleague, these approaches will help you offer support in meaningful and authentic ways.
1. Grief wears many disguises
Our expectations of how grief should look are often shaped by culture, the media or personal experience, and they may bear little resemblance to how grief is actually lived.
Grief can appear as physical symptoms like exhaustion, loss of appetite, or insomnia; as behaviour like withdrawing from others or drinking more; and as thoughts or emotions ranging from apathy and numbness to anger or intense sadness.
It can be loud and overwhelming or quiet and barely perceptible. Some people feel deep sorrow immediately; others feel nothing for weeks or even months. A lack of overt sadness isn't necessarily cause for concern; it may reflect relief that a loved one is no longer suffering , or be a sign of early adjustment.
One of the most compassionate things you can do is validate whatever shape grief takes. Reassure the person that there's no "right" way to grieve and support them in tuning into what their body and emotions need.
2. Acknowledge the death and don't rush the tears
Nearly every grieving client I've worked with has described someone, often a friend, colleague, or even family member, who avoided or ignored them after the loss. It's one of the most painful experiences for someone already feeling vulnerable.
Often, the avoidance isn't malicious. It's driven by fear of saying the wrong thing or not knowing how to help. But by avoiding the subject, we send an unintended message: your grief is too much.
Acknowledging the death, even simply by saying "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss", is not a reminder of their pain, it's a sign that you see it and honour it. Inviting someone out, even if they decline, communicates that they still belong and are welcome.
If someone begins to cry, it's natural to want to fix things, to offer comfort, or even to pass a tissue. But giving a tissue too soon can inadvertently signal that they should stop crying. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is to sit with your own discomfort, and simply be present. That silent witness can help a grieving person feel less alone.
3. Let go of the "stages of grief" myth
Many people are still taught to expect a tidy progression of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, popularised by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s. While these emotions are real and common, research shows that most people don't experience them in a neat order, or even experience all five at all.
Despite being widely critiqued , stage-based models are still found in healthcare training manuals and TV scripts, and they can leave people feeling like they're grieving "wrong".
If your loved one is worried they should feel more sadness, or wonders why they haven't yet felt angry, remind them: grief is personal and unpredictable. There's no timeline, no script and no shame in not following one.
Helping someone let go of these expectations may ease guilt, reduce internal pressure and encourage gentler self-care.
4. Encourage communication - with the living and the lost
Grief often comes with emotional loneliness, a deep sense of aloneness that persists even in the presence of others. It's different from social isolation; it's the ache of missing someone irreplaceable .
While you can't fix that loneliness, you can help the bereaved maintain a continuing bond with their loved one. This might include writing letters to the person who has died, speaking to them at a graveside or special place, saying prayers or engaging in meditation or creating memory boxes or rituals .
These forms of connection can help integrate the loss into a new reality. You might offer to visit a meaningful place together, or support them in planning a small memorial gesture.
5. Make specific, practical offers
It's common to say "Let me know if you need anything", but for someone in deep grief, reaching out can feel impossible. Emotional overwhelm, fatigue and even shame can prevent them from asking for help, even when they desperately need it.
Instead, make intentional, concrete offers that remove decision-making and emotional labour. These might include:
delivering a home-cooked meal once a week
taking care of pets or houseplants
offering regular lifts to appointments
updating others on their behalf
messaging with a clear "no need to reply" reassurance
If you live far away, sending a card, text, or voice note can still be powerful; just be mindful that they may receive many, and feel pressure to respond. A line like, "No need to write back, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you" can go a long way.
Grief is not a puzzle to solve or a wound to fix. It's a human response to love and loss - and it's different for everyone.
The most powerful thing you can do? Be there. Stay present. Listen without judgement. And remember that it's okay not to have the perfect words. Showing up with authenticity, patience and compassion is what matters most.
Lucy Poxon does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
