"I can swing an arm for sure," I remind myself convincingly, eliminating doubts on whether I can delay playing badminton until the new year.
"There's always an excuse and choice people make; true statement for you too, Gurly!" I stay humble for realms that I sometimes engage in myself.
With a will to verify and prove against my hounding thoughts of doubt, I tear a blank page off my notebook.
Now it's only me … and my ink of pink colour that I commit to. I'm glad phones have timers, and I start one for 10 seconds to jot down any excuses I can think of against actions I care for:
"This exam is coming up."
"I have these appointments later."
"It's unrealistic right now."
"Nobody else wants to play right now."
"Is it even worth it?"
"I don't have time."
"I'm so exhausted."
"It takes 30 minutes to get there."
"I heard of a TV show to maybe sit and watch."
"I'm not motivated enough."
"Too much wor-"
The rhythmic buzzer and radar ring elevates - this funny alarm sound. I can almost never cease to recall how much I've been conditioned to despise this morning alarm sound.
The list is infinite with or without the timer.
"I'm pretty sure that the only right time is here already."
I consider the next hours of the day and how unpredictable they can be. Dare I recall how none of this life experience is a guarantee signed onto my birth certificate.
Decisions are clearer when values and actions are aligned.
I rush to pull my digital calendar up quickly before thoughts of doubt catch me in the act of audacity - to act on will. I schedule the spot for local store travels for a brand new badminton purchase.
It's thrilling to be with a gift of choice and act with the highest regard for self's commitment, a moment I let sink right into my smile and chest. Tingling sensations of excitement are so overpowering and loving when I let myself feel.
Social conventions aren't reality; it takes will and daring commitment to stay true to an honest choice.
With a new badminton racket in one hand and tension of social embarrassment in the other, I will myself to plan with the gift of my beautiful strange being.
I take inhale deeply through my nostrils, relax and let my eyes close and initiate memory lane at exhale.
"Multiple doors, big Van Vliet alphabets in white … left has a push button for automatic door opening … across from SUB building … often en route to work in SUB I notice motion of people in athletic wear and backpacks too … inside of Van Vliet shows stairs down to basement, a path for east gym from the U of A recreation website … badminton courts with nets somewhere down there … I do appreciate familiarity with orange and blue colours of the Steadward Centre that I pass by … so many fit, tall, muscular and athleticlooking people…"
Shivers.
And with awareness, I pause.
Squeezing my eyes nervously, I roll all my fingers into a tight fist to clench with tension. Tighter, more, more and just a bit more before I release both fists altogether. A quick double inhale and suddenly I can walk those hallways too, no matter my current physique build and a nervously fast heartbeat.
I let the social anxiety roll out of my body and confidently continue with more than an aspiration to play: a commitment and will to make it happen, even if it's just me showing up at the courts alone.
I remain thankful to my overly sensitive ability to track recognition of places, facial expressions and read emotions. It's definitely a handy ability for visualizing and planning new adventures - a neurodivergent super-power when used right.
Today's process of showing up is the most exciting adventure and I experienced many thrills because of it.
I date my consistency with a 6:30 a.m. badminton routine, lasting months with a three-times-a-week commitment.
It taught me two main things:
- Discipline beyond the court: showing up to work, relationships and class commitments on any day - no matter what.
- Respect for one's commitment to behaving in accordance with values
When I said I'm a person who loves playing badminton, it means I made time before classes for a minimum of 20 minutes to an hour on the courts.
I'm a healthy person, so I made sure to incorporate time-restricted fasting during busy days of classes, work, weekends of homework and time for socializing.
When my values are to speak up for ethics, justice and the right to being, even with nervousness and chances of embarrassment close to my chest, I stay true to having the audacity to speak.
Often, this curiosity of mine leads to spaces like Disability Cultures and Access Hub for more truth and ways of being.
I act now to build more lanes of exciting memories, which may or may not include cooking skills and marathons.
I encourage doing what you're inspired to do right now, and truly ask yourself: Will you have a better guaranteed time than today's moment?
