From 'harmless' white lies to infidelity, dishonesty in romantic relationships is a complex phenomenon that takes on many forms. New research from the University of Copenhagen shows that while dishonesty between partners often fuels distrust and resentment, it may also, in some cases, help couples solve issues and repair their bond.
Most people will say that honesty is the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship. Yet very few people can say that they haven't, at some point, hidden information, told a white lie, or avoided a difficult truth with a partner.
Based on three studies that combine qualitative interviews, large surveys, and daily diary data from couples, a new PhD thesis from the University of Copenhagen identifies the types of dishonesty that occur between romantic partners and suggests why dishonesty does not always have the same consequences for couples.
"My research shows that dishonesty often leads to doubt and distrust that are harmful to a relationship. But also, paradoxically, that dishonesty has the potential to become an opportunity for learning and growth," Rachele Mazzini, author of the PhD thesis, explains.
"What is really important to understand is that dishonesty doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is embedded in the dynamics of a specific relationship and is often the result of recurring relational patterns rather than isolated acts," she adds.
Frameworks and patterns of dishonesty
In one study from the PhD thesis, Rachele Mazzini and her collaborators asked 656 American participants to describe an incident involving dishonesty to their current or former partner. Based on an analysis of the answers, the researchers were able to establish a comprehensive framework for understanding dishonesty in romantic relationships, detailing the forms, content, dominant motives, and consequences of dishonesty.
The framework helped the researchers identify patterns that tend to appear when partners are dishonest with each other.
One common pattern is the so-called "vicious cycle" in which participants describe how they take revenge on their partners' dishonesty by being dishonest themselves - and vice versa - or they need to go on being dishonest to cover for a previous act of dishonesty (e.g., a lie) .
"Another pattern is what we call "The Slowburn" where participants tell that being dishonest with their partner initially made them feel excited but, as time passed, they would develop feelings of shame and guilt. This negatively influenced both their own and their partner's well-being," Rachele Mazzini notes and suggests:
"Even though we haven't tested them in professional contexts, we think that identification of these patterns may prove useful for therapists who work with couples experiencing problems in their relationship."
The framework of dishonesty
The framework for dishonesty that the researchers have established distinguishes between:
The different forms of dishonesty such as active deception, lying, withholding information, and infidelity.
The content of the dishonesty such as finances, sexuality, and whereabouts.
The dominant motives behind the dishonesty, self-protection or (alleged) partner-protection.
And the consequences the dishonesty has for the relationship, e.g. broken trust, breakup, or a positive learning experience.
Positive dishonesty
The framework of dishonesty also points to the fact that some forms of dishonesty may be motivated by self‑protection or by a desire to protect the partner.
"People often assume that dishonesty is always destructive. But our findings suggest that some forms of so‑called prosocial dishonesty may function as a way to maintain the relationship, for example by avoiding unnecessary conflict or emotional harm," Rachele Mazzini points out.
And not only can dishonesty be rooted in positive motives - it can also prove to be a crucial turning point for a couple:
"In some cases, perhaps somewhat surprisingly, couples actually experience the dishonesty as a wake-up call which prompts them to work out their problems, which they would not have done otherwise."
Can partners detect dishonesty?
Rachele Mazzini defended her PhD thesis Dishonesty in Romantic Relationships 7 May at the University of Copenhagen.
The thesis consists of three studies, which explore dishonesty in romantic relationships through qualitative interviews, large surveys, and daily diary data from couples.
The study "Dishonesty in Romantic Relationships: A Framework of Forms, Content, Dominant Motives, and Consequences" has already been published in the peer-reviewed journal Personal Relationships.
The second study, "Development and Validation of the Dishonesty in Intimate Relationships Scale (DIRS)" has been submitted for publication and is currently under review.
The third study "Dishonesty in Romantic Relationships: A Dyadic Longitudinal Study" is still in a manuscript form.
In another study that is part of Rachele Mazzini's PhD thesis, 120 couples from five countries reported daily for a week on whether they had been dishonest and whether they believed their partner had been dishonest. Dishonesty turned out to be relatively rare in everyday life for most couples, occurring on fewer than 20 per cent of days.
Partners were overall good at assessing whether there was dishonesty in their relationships, but mainly because most days involved no dishonesty at all. When dishonesty did occur, partners were often poor at detecting it, either missing it entirely or falsely suspecting it.
"Interestingly, couples that were already experiencing dishonesty when the study began differed from other couples, and they reported lower trust and higher perceived deception even before specific incidents of dishonesty had taken place," Rachele Mazzini explains.
"This confirms the idea that dishonesty is not just about single events and does not happen in a vacuum. It will often reflect deeper relational dynamics that distinguish some couples from others."
